I have gained so much wisdom that I am so overwhelmed with a stronger faith and trust with God.

Every challenge I surpassed I did with grace and confidence because I have a stronger faith.

No one would fully understand how I felt and what I have done just so to survive. I thrived hard but I prayed harder.

At a church service, I pondered much on what the preacher said. “If you have faith in God, then why worry?”. True to every single word.

I still hurt, I still feel the pain and I still want a lot of things but I can never have them all at once. I learned to be patient. I learned to be more confident but not too relaxed. I learned that love should not be unfair thus, love should be shared and felt at the same time.

I don’t mean to be a hypocrite and be the blessed. I have mistakes too. I am imperfect as much as every being is but I may not be the best but I know I can be better.

Today at church the response to the psalm felt so first hand. “Those who sow tears will reap rejoicing”.

I have planted to much pain and tears and now, I am growing faith and will enjoy the fruit of joy and peace.

Best regards,
DJ Bodyguard

I feel like my emotions are in a coma. Its stagnant, rotting and kept silent but I’m not sure if I’m better or worse when I wake up.

I’ve been trying to keep what I was offered tho “friendship” is so vague at this stage, I’m trying.

I’ve been told but I’m seeing and feeling otherwise. I feel pushed away farther but I can’t complain. I tried not to talk too much about it, pretend everything’s totally Okay. I am okay but the wounds still bleed when touched.

Sometimes, I feel that the answers to every question raised, every invitation asked are rude. I can take No as answer because I know I am in no position to complain. I ask because I am hoping but your questions to why I do is just rude. I take shit everyday so a simple “No” for whatever reason won’t hurt as much as you saying some more things you need not to say. I can even take the fact you telling me you’re not interested would be much better than you pushing me away with offending acts and firebacks.

For sure, this one’s going to backfire on me too. I need not to say because in the first place I should have not asked BUT I’m trying to cherish what I am left.

I am not hoping for anything in return because the wall is just to thick and sturdy I can’t bring it down. Behind every smile and talks about you and other guys is me feeding on pain and what ifs.

I can wish for a lot of things but I just thank God for what is given to me. I take the pain, the tear, the blame, depression of some sort because I know I can face it.

I have been neglecting a few people who has helped me through this but I want to face this alone. No matter how much I am in pain and I long for just pure comfort and laughs from dear friends @ingrid_april, @chiccosonofzeus, @mackyu21, @chacecastillo, @zvati and a whole lot I choose to be alone in this battle. I started it alone, I kept secrets, lied and troubled a couple lot but nevertheless I pray they understand.

I am thankful for a lot of things, I am sorry twice the ones I am thankful for and I can write a book containing a list of regrets but I am moving forward.

I try not to move too fast. Not on impulse. Not out of immaturity but I calculate each move, research before I conclude. I take action and blame. I take pain and stress. I take every word you say be it nice or being nice. Don’t get me wrong, I am the least judgmental person you would know. I for a fact take consideration of everything.

I am oKay, I am Thankful and I will soon bid goodbye to every little thing that has happened. No regrets. No tears. I will not bring anything but the wisdom learned and the happy thoughts I have shared.

Best Regards,
DJ Bodyguard

I’ve been trying to find myself in all this rubbish but even if I look deeper I find more dramas, rants and regrets.

I may doubt myself and what I am worth but what I can be sure of and confident is the fact that I am more serious than whom you’d find in the pack. I can’t offer much but hell I am capable of making you happy… genuinely happy.

People say that what I do is feeding your ego, maybe I am. You tell me one thing but your actions tell me something otherwise but I never complained, to you atleast.

I do not put the blame on you like what other people do, I don’t see them yet. I am playing blind for the moment hoping that I find something good out of this experience.

I’ve been waiting for you to save me but the day never came and I feel it will never come for I am worth nothing but an annoying brat trying to buy myself some attention.

I can cry and wallow as long as I allow but that’s what our memories bring. I love you deeply but my love for you is worthless because your eyes only see the necessary.

Thanks and best regards,
DJ Bodyguard

I used to always look forward to weekends. Light work load, spend time at home just lounging and time with friends but now things have changed. I can’t even stand me alone times anymore. It has never been the usual lifestyle.

Weekends now are the hardest to get by because this is the time when I know how much I want to just spend a lazy day with you. Some talks, lunch, chores, siestas and all. The mushy things involving us but, there has never been “us”.

I’d die spending a whole day just holding your hand watching you sleep, listen to you nag about things but it strikes me when you tell me that “its not necessary”. True.

I’ve been asking myself how I can put down these walls but then again, it may not be necessary. I’m rotting, stagnant and hurt.

If only I could trade places with the one you like, I will.

If only I can be good enough, I will.

For any little chance that I can get, I WILL.

Thanks and regards,
DJ Bodyguard

You seem to have never been better.

Today, after a few days of rest I found myself tearing on your memory. Just the thought of you not caring as much as I do still stings.

Not to seem pessimistic or selfish in any case but seeing you happy just kills me. It kills me that I am at far no reason of bringing you joy or excitement, laughter and genuine happiness. I would still die for a moment spent with you.

You are far perfect from what I envision someone I would love but I looked beyond and stooped down, let loose my standards for someone I call perfect but my heart told me otherwise.

I thought I have conquered and have won but I rejoiced just too soon.

It kills me to see a smile, a tweet, an update a picture and a memory. I have not totally let go of what I thought I had battled.

Love is my battle cry. Making sure you are genuinely happy is my weapon but I wound myself even deeper because I am dodged by every bullet because you are my weakness too.

No matter what I do, no matter what choices I make for your sake, I could just not complain. You are both pain and bliss and yes ill say this over and over- for the moment.

I came to realize that the deeper you love, the deeper the wounds are and the deeper they are, the longer they heal.

Nothing is real between us, not even the friendship but only one thing is left genuine, my love for you. It may not keep me sane but it keeps me alive and fighting.

Best regards,
DJ Bodyguard

Its been a while since I blogged about something but you would see the trend on when, why and what I make a fuss of.

I could have just reposted a few of my blogs, change a few details and that’s it. More than how sorry you feel for me for being in the pit again is the shame that I had to go through the whole thing over, its like I never learned but I’d like to describe it as trying not to miss out on a chance.

A few months after I was serious about pogi here I am again. I voluntarily jumped into the pit again unarmed. Its not a secret that I have been single for 7 years and that I have been serious with pogi in the past but here’s a second try.

I never get tired of loving and investing emotions to people I really like. Yes, I may have gone out to a couple of dates but it never hit me like this.

Pogi was quite easy to get done with given that he is a self-proclaimed ass but we are in good talking terms now. This guy, he is a total opposite. He’s someone I can introduce to mom but, I’ve failed myself again.

Being an arian, I am a living proof that we are impatient by nature. I’m rather straight forward and blunt about how I feel probably why guys are taken aback by it but it never actually meant I was in a rush for any commitment at all it was just simply letting him know that I surrender.

He is both pain and bliss. A happy thought and a living pain. I have tried but I failed because I loved.

Whenever I speak of him anonymously to friends they are at awe of what I have done and what I was willing to do for a spark of hope and chance on this but a wall was stealthily built in rapid motion. They never thought I could go at wit’s end and exert as much effort as I did. I never have regrets about loving like there are no second chances.

I felt at some point that no matter what decision I made or what I have done and is planning to do would mean anything to him. I was just some plain joe. I was and is still in no position to question what other people have decided on. I was just not good enough.

No offense meant to other guys I’ve dated or will date but this guy is far more special. He is the only one who makes me forget how to breathe when I wake up and just take deep breathes all through out the day.

Yes, I have been depressed and found myself at breaking point but I tried to save myself some dignity and I am now fighting the want.

I have asked if pretending was considered lying and so I have been told. Resistance and acceptance are the hardest. I feel like slapping my face straight to my soul.

I have moved on a bit. My right foot out of the pit, me left foot still inside dragged by my self inflicted hope that somehow, he pulls me out of it.

If only people were transparent and you can see through them would I have been happier?

I still have a lot of things going on my mind. I can go over and deeper but ill just end up tiring myself from pure white lies and what nots.

In the coming days I may just have a few more random thoughts to come. Rants of some sort (hopefully not) and sparks of hope and inspiration.

I am not afraid to be called a loser or bitter because I’m the only one who knows to what extent I can go. I’m not perfect, I’m not tall, dark, handsome, buff, rich and I grow pimples like others too but what separates me from the pack is that I love genuinely.

Thanks and regards,
DJ Bodyguard

It feels like a break up but no relationship was established in the first place.

Did I assume that much or was I just plainly hoping that things eventually would lead to something magical?

I’ve prayed for him. I am still praying for him.

I might have planted too much emotions, time, effort and opportunities but what good is a man if he doesn’t appreciate?

God has made me love like there are no second chances. There were signs and I was just ignoring them. I was too busy selflessly loving him.

Deep breathes, coffee talk, comfort hugs and kisses but nothing seems to be enough to help me get over it.

I should savor the pain of the path I have chosen. So help me God.

I’ve wasted my birthday just plainly waiting for him. Not even a birthday greeting. I should have not placed myself in the pit.

This is my choice, my risk and my pain.

Don’t you think I’ve given too many chances? But why don’t I ever get tired of this? Of him?

I need to step back and let God.

So its my birthday but reality slapped me with a big SO WHAT. I can honestly state other days way better than what happened today. My party did not push thru (thanks to the earthquakes and tsunami scares), plan b is still a fail. Hindi man lang ako binati ni pogi ng happy birthday! Aside from the fact na after kong puntahan siya sa Las Pinas for dinner eh hindi na siya nagtext. I’ve had our whole weekend planned but NADA.

Bakit pa ba ako nagugulat? He has failed me more than he has actually made me happy pero ano toh?? Inlove padin ako! #whatiz

I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. HAPPY.

I have a lot of things to be thankful of. A little prayer would be nice as a gift. :)

Happy birthday to myself. :)